There are a lot of things I’d do if I were an asshole. Fortunately for the world I can live vicariously through Ann Althouse and save myself the trouble.

If I were an asshole, I’d be upset about not being important enough to get invited to a meeting with President Bill Clinton and a handful of the most influential bloggers on the internets. I’d probably respond by attack an attendee for being young, beautiful, and in the presence of Bill Clinton. That’s exactly what Ann Althouse and her legion of misogynistic, anti-feminist commenters have done to the magnificent Jessica Valenti of Feministing.

Well, I’m going to assume Jessica’s contributions to my comments are an attempt at a comic performance, as was her attendence at the luncheon dressed in the guise of Monica Lewinsky.

But that probably wouldn’t be enough to satiate my inexplicable lust to be an asshole.

Jessica: I’m not judging you by your looks. (Don’t flatter yourself.) I’m judging you by your apparent behavior. It’s not about the smiling, but the three-quarter pose and related posturing

Note how in fact Ann does judge Jessica on her looks. And then lies about it through an insulting parenthetical. Very tricky.

Ann has a serious problem with the fact that Jessica has been photographed in a non-mugshot posture - apparently it’s unAmerican or something, Althouse’s logical knots are hard to follow on this one - and right in front of Clinton, no less. Of course the most cursory glance at the photograph in question - the one with dastardly liberal bloggers cavorting with His Holiness Bill Clinton - shows that Jessica’s is glancing sideways because…There. Are. Multiple. Cameras. In. The. Room. I figured this out by removing my Asshole hat and counting no less than seven other bloggers looking in the same direction as Jessica, away from the camera that snapped the picture on Althouse’s blog (of the people I recognize, I’d say that Bill Scher, Barbara from Mahablog, Matt Stoller, Duncan Black, Jeralyn Merritt, McJoan, and John Aravosis are all looking in the same direction as Jessica). OK, my asshole break’s over…

If I were an asshole I’d move beyond simply taking issue with Jessica’s looks and start projecting her devious intentions into my verbal diarrhea discussion of the Clinton meet and greet.

Jessica writes one of those blogs that are all about using breasts for extra attention. Then, when she goes to meet Clinton, she wears a tight knit top that draws attention to her breasts and stands right in front of him and positions herself to make her breasts as obvious as possible?

I wouldn’t stop being an asshole because I’d be sure to forget the fact that it was me, not Jessica, who titled the post “Let’s take a closer look at those breasts.” Clearly Jessica should have gone to meet the president wearing a burkha - by not doing so, she has revealed her intentions to seduce Bill Clinton and every Powerful Man in the room by wearing *gasp* a shirt of short sleeves! Worse still, she has did not dress in a way that was “respectful of the office of the Presidency.”

If I were really trying to be an asshole, though, I’d be sure to throw the reins of my blog over to a legion of asshole commenters who would offer such craptastic analysis as this:

Oh, and the real thing is to point out her compared to the rest of the (much dumpier) females there. They’re standing, she’s posing. [Fatmouse]

Jessica’s younger and better looking. Hence anything she does is pulled from her career as a bitchy supermodel (duh!).

This intern has her line in the water and is trolling for Clinton saying “you can look, but don’t touch the bait!” [David]

Yeah, keep reminding them that being an intern should be license for ass grabbing by men!

and to this day, the feminist movement, IMO, gave up any pretext of principle when they failed to condemn the ex-president for his conduct. As long as you get those abortions on demand, anything else is fair game. [RogerA]

Now we’re cooking with 100% Pure Asshole! Tell him Roger! The women folk got abortion legalized, let’s legalize rape!

And on. And on. And on.

No, the bottom line is that if I were an asshole I’d just put up a post based entirely around the fact that one blogger, who happens to be a young, beautiful, feminist showed up at an event with older, somewhat less beautiful mainstream bloggers and had her picture taken with a former president. I’d allow the comments thread to digress to the point where the subject of my attack has to read discussions of her bust size and comparisons of her dark hair to Monica Lewinsky’s. Just because she’s young and is in a picture with Bill Clinton.

I’d be sure to attack Jessica’s blog layout because the header, like Jessica, has breasts. I’d also attack photographs on Jessica’s blog for containing breasts, even though all photographs of women contain breasts. I’d stroke my beard and wonder, perhaps there’s a common strain here: she has breasts in a picture with Bill Clinton, she has breasts on her blog…EUREKA! She must only blog about breasts!

Emboldened by my realization, I’d take another swipe at her breasts.

I’m sooooooo bored with Jessica’s breasts and they guys who are championing them/her.

My coup de grace in my full-fledged assault of assholeness would surely be recasting my entire critique - and the hard work of my misogynistic commenters - as righteously feminist.

And read my old post that I linked to about how Clinton and feminism. You’re brushing this off and not taking it seriously. I’m laying out a challenge here and you’re engaging in spin, acting like I’m just stooping for a cheap laugh, but that is not so. There is a serious point here, and you’re ignoring it.

Mwwwwaaaaaaaaaaah. I want my sexism serious point addressed and I want it addressed NOW!

As I said above, I’m glad Ann Althouse is here to be an asshole so I don’t have to be one. I’m glad that I know Jessica and consider her a friend (as does Austin). Althouse has zero clue why Jessica would be invited to meet with Clinton. I’m sure Althouse, being someone who got a factually incorrect op-ed published in the Times, has a very astute nose for talent, but has hay fever or something and didn’t take the time to find out that Jessica is a monster in the world of feminism. She has authored columns in The Guardian (factually correct ones, no less). She blogs for one of the largest reproductive rights organizations in America. She is the executive editor of one of the most influential feminist blogs on the internets. In every possible sense she deserved to be in the room with Bill Clinton and other liberal blogging giants. Althouse’s ignorance to these facts undercuts every word that she writes about Jessica and Feministing.

The biggest problem that Althouse and her commenters have is that Jessica is not some unshaven witch that uses feminism as a cudgel because of physical characteristics that Althouse perceives as sufficient for militancy. Here’s a news flash, Ann: feminists don’t look like that. I’ll tell you that Jessica is young and beautiful, and - speaking solely in regards to bloggers I’ve met - so are her cobloggers Vanessa and Celina, Lindsay Beyerstein of Majikthise, Amanda Marcotte of Pandagon, Jill and zuzu of Feministe, and Cooper of WonderlandorNot* - all young and beautiful feminists. This is obviously a big mental stumbling block for Ann and other anti-feminists. Feminism isn’t a product of women’s dissatisfaction with their physical appearance - thus looking good on camera and being a feminist are not contradictory!

Ann Althouse is a fucking asshole for dedicating two posts and comment threads to discussing Jessica, her breasts, and their presence in a photograph with Bill Clinton. Do you really want to know what that photograph means Ann? It means Jessica has kicked so much intellectually-weak, politically regressive, depressingly pathetic ass offered up by the likes of you that she could not possibly be excluded from a major meeting between leading bloggers and Bill Clinton. If you don’t like the fact that she’s finding success with ass whooping for societal change as her profession, you should deal with it in ways that don’t amount to expressing your audacity at her very existence as an attractive feminist.

I’ve never seen a more baseless attack on any blogger than what Ann has levied against Jessica today. I’ll repeat myself, Ann Althouse is a fucking asshole and anyone can quote me on that - I will stand by those words until the day I die.

*I realized I haven’t met Cooper yet, but maybe that will change as we live near each other.

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