After forty-three years of silence Bob Geiger has come forward and confessed to assassinating John F. Kennedy. John Mark Karr eat your heart out.

Robert James Geiger, 49, who works in New York City but lives in a peaceful Westchester County suburb, had been exchanging e-mails with noted Kennedy conspiracy theorist, Sid Badura, and convinced Badura he was the killer by knowing painstaking details of the fateful November day. According to Badura, Geiger knew things such as the color of Kennedy’s suit, the make of car the president was in, the type of weapon used and even the hospital to which Kennedy was taken with his mortal wounds.

“It was spooky,” said Badura, still shaken three days after reporting Geiger to New York City police, who immediately arrested the liberal writer. “No man could know so many details unless he did the crime. I always knew Oswald was nothing but a patsy.”
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Geiger’s new agent, Shifty McLean, said that his client is already fully booked with the media and can only urge all Americans to go to his web site, www.bobgeiger.com.

“This is the biggest thing the media’s seen since, well, John Mark Karr,” said McLean as he juggled three cell-phone conversations at once. “Bob’s got Rita Cosby on MSNBC for an hour tonight and then he’ll be live with Larry King on CNN for an expanded two-hour show.”

“I don’t even wanna talk about tomorrow,” continued McLean. “Court TV wants to video tape him all day, he’ll be on Scarborough Country for the whole show, Fox News the rest of the night and Rush Limbaugh wants to talk to him about where Bill and Hillary Clinton fit into Kennedy’s death.”

Geiger’s wife of 12 years declined comment, simply laughing at the roughly 200 reporters gathered around their home and saying “you people are idiots.”

Odds that someone in the media notices that Geiger was six at the time of Kennedy assassination? Slim - they’ll probably just wait for DNA evidence from the book suppository depository to come back negative. Until then, expect rabid sensationalism to keep stories like the collapse of Afghanistan, George Allen’s racism, and the shrinking middle class off of the airwaves.

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